celebrating being selfish—the good kind of selfish

This month is about celebrating being selfish—the good kind of selfish.

(No, this is not an ode to self care and the many bath bombs, baubles, and over-manufactured, over-priced trinkets that inevitably clutter your shelves, each sold to you in an artificially empowering package of “treat yourself,” “glow up,” or the inimitable and indefatigable: “Because you’re worth it.”

This is the kind of selfish where you maybe admit to yourself that you’re not always that great and that you owe yourself (and the world) the time to work on who you are to try and become a better person.

It’s a win-win:

High self-esteem gives you more than a little confidence boost when you peek at yourself in the shop window or accidentally open your phone camera the wrong way. Newish research from psychology professors Richard W. Robins and Ulrich Orth (as reported in the journal American Psychologist) suggests that high self-esteem can send you into a spiral. The good kind of spiral.

That is, “…if you look across the next 30 years and consider how that benefit [feeling good about yourself] accumulates as people go from one life stage to the next, those cumulative benefits may be quite strong.”

We’re talking better relationships. More success at work and school. Mental AND physical health improvements. Plus, “these benefits hold across age, gender, and race/ethnicity.” So no matter who you are, it’s a good time to be you.

I’m not saying being selfish and having a healthy level of high self-esteem are the same thing, but if you’re not your own #1 cheerleader yet, then it’s time to take a time-out and focus a little more energy, attention, and TLC on Y-O-U. (It’s good for your health.)

Let’s take a look at a few ways to focus on you this month:

Welcome to Issue No. 005 of A Merry Loner’s Digest—your distillation of the last month’s articles, oddities, and assorted occurrences. Or as I chaotically like to call it: musings on finding merriment among the monotony, misery, and malaise.

🌻 If you’re new here, welcome. A Merry Loner is the magazine redefining loneliness. In a world of over-the-top extroversion and anxiety-inducing FOMO, A Merry Loner encourages you to look inward and find peace in your own company. We share:

• Thoughtful interviews with other Loners on how to be comfortable with who you are (because why is that so difficult sometimes?)
• Opinion pieces and personal essays on how to embrace Loner Living and love your own life
• Encouraging stories and recommendations on choosing independence and finding happiness in your own solitude

Posts You May Have Missed

🌻 7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person​

Will reading the best books on self-awareness automatically make you a better person? Sorry, friend. It’s not that easy. These may be some of the best books to improve self-awareness, but you still need to put the legwork in. That might mean journaling, talking with a friend, doing a little bit of wallowing, or going for a walk to ponder the secret to happiness. It’s an uphill battle that won’t be solved in a day. But that’s life. And you can do it—start here. READ​

🌻 What I Learned Traveling the World Alone Without My Partner​

GUEST POST ALERT! Traveling without your partner? It might just change everything. When guest writer Evan E. Lambert found himself alone in Colombia (and accidentally asking a waiter if he could touch himself anywhere), he didn’t know it would be the start of something bigger. From language fails to unexpected independence, Evan’s solo journeys led to a deeper sense of self, a new kind of confidence, and the realization that you don’t need a partner to feel whole—you just need a good sense of humor and a swim instructor on paid vacation. READ​

🌻 Staying Focus-Driven: How Giuliana Mendoza Tunes Out the Noise & Focuses on Her Purpose​

From being the only person on her high school’s math olympics team to moving from Argentina to the U.S. during college to taking a months-long international solo trip in her early twenties, Giuliana Mendoza has always done things her way. And with an independent streak that sometimes takes you off the beaten path, comes the doubters, the naysayers, and the judges.

In the fifth installment of A Merry Loner’s Loner Q&A series, Giuliana shares how she sets intentional goals, cultivates a resilient mindset, and sticks to her guns, no matter what the critics say. READ​

From the Archives

• ​13 Habits to Start Now in Your 20s (or Whenever) for Long-Term Physical & Mental Wellbeing: For my fellow early-to-mid-to-late-twenties folks: Life doesn’t end at 30. We can continuously recreate, redefine, and reinvent ourselves—it helps if you’ve got at least some things in your life running efficiently on autopilot in the background. Enter the art of creating good habits—the ultimate snowball effect for personal growth. Discover the best habits to develop in your 20s. READ​
• ​In Defense of Laughing Alone: “If you’ve never really gotten into the habit of laughing by yourself, it no doubt feels goofy at first. The intimacy of a solo laugh can be almost embarrassing or feel performative. But if nobody’s around to witness it, then who cares? The more you show up for your goofy side when you’re all alone, the more natural it’ll feel. ‘Til one day, you’ll catch your own eye in the mirror and, instead of scrutinizing your latest wrinkle, you’ll pull a silly face, the ugliest and wildest you can muster, and you’ll laugh.” From talented guest writer Nikita Andester.READ​
• ​“Life Is Sad and Then You Die.” Why this is the motto that will bring you peace: (And I’m an optimist! If you can believe it.) Hear me out: READ​

A Merry Loner’s Community

🌻 108+ new Merry Loners joined our community.

We’re spreading across the Internet like a rose vine growing up a trellis. Altogether, we’re a merry hoard of over 3,000.

Join us where you are: Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, Threads, Twitter, Bluesky.

🌻 More readers sent us love letters.

A Merry Loner is international! Translated from French:

“Yes, I couldn't agree more. I was so happy to read your article, I felt less alone in this case, and it encourages me to do more things like that.”

The (not-preachy, researched-based) post about extreme consumerism? Here it is: The Problem with Shopping on Amazon Prime.

And In the Real World…

• My favorite barista who I thought had left for good came back to my local café—which means I can finally have good cappuccinos again (praise be).
• I traveled back to the USA (Rhode Island, to be exact) to visit my family—and to see Barry Manilow's "The Last Concert,” because I’m a forever fan. (You haven’t partied ‘til you’ve partied with geriatrics.)
• Some new friends and I indulged in an oldies movie night (Sabrina), which got me re-into the life and work of Audrey Hepburn. It was fate that I stumbled upon this book a few days later in a local shop: Audrey Hepburn, la Parisienne—That's the Girl!. It now sits proudly next to my record player on my entryway shelf to give newcomers a glimpse of our high-brow tastes (note the sarcasm).

To making self-improvement a lifelong pursuit.

See you later,

Merry

🌻 P.S. Encourage a friend to spend more time loving themselves. Forward them this email.

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